Monday, 11 March 2013

(ARTICLE): I just cheated on you – Diary of a stupid boyfriend


Cheating_Men

If you are in today’s world then you would understand that cheating is one big business amongst those in relationship. People cheat for fun. Fucking demons! 
If you cheat as a man when you are in a relationship with a Nigerian girl, you are one fucking bastard. Oops! Those words again. If you are caught, shit! You actually become a potato, trust me. Cheating destroys the very foundation that any relationship stands on. It’s like, you are standing over an ocean with the help of a mat and then the mat is withdrawn. Oops! Again, you would need some Jesus with that.
If you are in today’s world then you would understand that cheating is one big business amongst those in relationship. People cheat for fun. Fucking demons! You dig a lot of chics and you are a champion when they fall to your great techniques of wooing. Imagine that. The heart of any man is devastated when he discovers that his girlfriend cheats. Hmm. And the fragile heart of a woman is made even more fragile when subjected to such pains. She cries and remembers all the poetry you had read to her and the stupid promises you made. Bastard!
I am a stupid boyfriend and I shouldn’t cheat. If I think of it I am dead. You don’t cheat on your Nigerian girlfriend. Nope, no law may hold you responsible but I know quite a lot that will. If she catches you, you will lose your penis. Ask anyone.
The Nigerian woman doesn’t need to waste your stupid, nonsensical life, it is of no use. She would make you useless by taking away that very thing that would not obey the law of urination, alone. A Nigerian woman loves her husband quite well, but like the proverb goes, the same set of teeth that the lion trains his young; it is with same that he tears his enemies.
Any day you cheat and you are caught, please beg your neighbours to help you dig a grave. Use any money you have and buy a miserable casket for your useless self. It is better when you die suicidal than when a sensitive organ is hacked out.
One day I was there at home, alone and jobless. Then the devil appeared in a skimpy skirt and a singlet on my Facebook page. I liked it. I went through as many photos that were available. And when you use aniphone going through photos is just a swipe away. I did swipe through the photos and then accepted the request and got chatting. We exchanged contacts and she told me she was visiting Nigeria for the first time since she was born, and she would love me to take her around. Imagine me. I gladly awaited her. When I finished the session, I turned around to ask for a cup of water when I saw someone looking down on me, with villain eyes.  It was the clear eyeballs of my girlfriend. She had followed my activities without even a sneeze. She told me she saw all I did. You should have seen me stammering through all I wanted to say. I could not believe that I had fallen to a common devilish plan of some stupid stranger who had lured me into a pit. I looked around for a bottle of Holy Water to sprinkle so I may wake up from the dream, or maybe rectify the situation but it was so real.
 Never attempt to cheat on a Nigerian woman. She is more sensitive than any technology you can think of, besides, women know themselves. A Nigerian woman doesn’t need to ask so many questions. All she needs to do is to walk a few steps closer to you, inhale the filthy cologne from your pathetic concubine and then declare her findings. What happened when a busy-bodied concubine opens her phone at a party and then there is a squeal and it is obvious you have something unofficial going on? You are dead brother.
The Nigerian man should enjoy what he sees. I have not seen an ugly Nigerian woman. If she is height-robbed she would compliment with large a backside and very tempting sumptuous boobs. If she isn’t smart enough she would be a great cook. You are never totally lost.
When you obey a Nigerian woman your days on earth are longer. You can be proud of anything. You will even make heaven. The Nigerian woman is highly ranked anywhere and a respect to her adds more mark even in the realm of spirituality. Show her love. If an almost nude lady asks you a question, pretend to be deaf and dumb. Allow her to go away with her trouble. Don’t you know why the Bible wants you to cut off the hand that causes you to sin? It is bad. Slap yourself and admire that girlfriend of yours. Compliment her always. A Nigerian girlfriend is a special woman anywhere.
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Nwilo Bura-Bari Vincent writes from Port Harcourt. 
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