Farmers can simply log on to Facebook and update their status and profile pictures: “I just planted the cocoyam,” “This cassava would be perfect for presidential cassava bread.”
Governors reject awards
In its first meeting this year, the Nigeria Governors Forum (NGF) gave awards to some of its deserving members. Surprisingly most of the sore winners rejected their awards. Gov. Aliyu Wamakko (Sokoto) who won ‘Thug of the year,’ for his exploits in flogging a PHCN staff who didn’t supply power to his village, rejected the award saying the result was rigged in his favour. He said, “I only flogged one person. What of Rochas Okorocha (Imo) who punched a protocol officer and unleashed his guards on a sitting senator?” Similarly, Gov. Fashola (Lagos) who won the ‘Deafest governor’ award said, “What did I do to deserve that? Just because I didn’t listen to okada riders, LASU students and Lekki residents, doesn’t make me deaf? How about Orji (Abia) who has refused to recall the non-indigenes he sacked or undertake a single tangible development project?” Seriake Dickson (Bayelsa) won the ‘Most critically ill’ category due to his severe case of amnesia. Dickson’s embarrassing amnesia showed itself in 2012 when he awarded Ijaw’s highest national honour posthumously to the late dictator Sani Abacha. Gov. Peter Obi’s (Anambra) high-pitched voice earned him the ‘Most effeminate’ governor award.
Resolutions in high places
A Pinch… spoke to four of Nigeria’s most powerful men, to find out their New Year resolutions. Here’s what they said.
- Gov. Rotimi Amaechi: “I will buy a new private jet. My old one is almost a year old now. I don’t want stories. These are perilous times for private air travellers.”
- Bola Tinubu: “I just want to try my best not to lie too much this year. That last lie I told about being invited for the Democratic Convention in America really spoilt things for me in 2012.”
- Goodluck Jonathan: “I will read more romance fiction and build capacity because nothing will hinder me from my quest to be the most loved president in the world.”
- David Mark: “My resolution is to deal with that Agriculture Minister in 2013. You know I have always insisted that phones are not for poor people. Now the minister has decided to buy 10million phones for poor farmers. He’s doing it to upset me but I will catch him.”
Support swells for 10 million phones for farmers
Unlike the senate president, The Association of Nigerian spokesmen has voiced its support for the FG’s decision to buy phones for 10million Nigerian farmers. It pointed out that lots of jobs would be created through setting-up of committees like the “committee for distribution of phones, committee for supply of recharge cards, committee to probe when the scheme goes wrong, committee to probe the probers, white paper committee and so on.” The group also mentioned that farmers can now be effectively monitored to know who is planting and who isn’t. For instance, farmers can simply log on to Facebook and update their status and profile pictures: “I just planted the cocoyam,” “This cassava would be perfect for presidential cassava bread,” “My corn is bigger that Mazi Otapia’s own.” The group assured Nigerians that handing phones to farmers would not lead to famine when farmers start pinging and tweeting indiscriminately instead of farming. They described such fears as “uncalled for.”
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most desperate governor of them all?”
Answer: Murtala Nyako, the septuagenarian governor of Adamawa state. Nyako either has skeletons to bury from his past or wrongs to commit in his future. Is there any other reason why he keeps interfering in the appointment of a chief judge for the state? In just 14 months, Nyako has unconstitutionally sworn in three chief judges, and every single time the process has been trailed by controversies. The constitution is clear on how judicial appointments are made – by seniority. But Nyako refuses to swear in the most senior judge. Even the chief justice of the federation wrote to the governor this time, telling him to forward the name of the most senior judge, but in a flagrant disregard for the separation of powers, Nyako has remained adamant. We understand that things are falling apart for the governor as the PDP national chairman, Bamanga Tukur is gaining the upper hand in the battle of wits between the two. But he should not abuse the institution of the judiciary in a bid to provide life support for his comatose political career. Somebody, maybe President Jonathan, needs to call Gov. Nyako to order. His desperate clownishness is bad for the rule of law in the state. It’s the stuff that CeeCee’s are made of.
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